When my daughter was born, the words were indescribable, I had none. I had all the thoughts in the world, floating around in my head, and my heart, but when I tried to express them, it was if I was mute. I had dreamt of having a daughter since I was old enough to know that someday I wanted a family. For me, those reasons were different, not that I didn’t want a family to love and raise, but they were partly different because of my life thus far. Having a daughter is much more different than having a son, you have a different bond, a different relationship. My son and I have our bond, our geeky, Loving, sometimes head butting bond. But it’s our bond regardless, the love of a mother for her son, and his for her. He is by all definitions a mommy’s boy, and I suppose in some form, always will be. But I never thought I would ever in this lifetime, be blessed with a daughter.
I told myself I wouldn’t have anymore children, I was done because I was partly tired from the struggles I went through with my son on a day-to-day basis, but I did. I knew when I found out, I would be having a son, which for my son would have been amazing and probably what he needed, a brother to get a bit crazy with. But I found out he would be a she, and I had hoped, but I didn’t think so. I think I may have actually cried a bit when the woman told me “She’s a girl”. I know my mom cried, because she had always hoped for a granddaughter, and for me, it meant that I could name her the name I had promised my grandmother I would If I had a girl someday. She loved the name Isabella, we used to talk about it often, how it sounded so beautiful and how it was such time-honored name. I remember saying to her “Mom, if I’m lucky enough someday to have a girl, I promise that’s what she’ll be called, Isabella.” So after my grandmother passed away, a piece of my heart died and it is yet restore itself. Not just because she was my beacon, my light, but also because this beautiful little girl would never know just how beautiful, and kind, and selfless her great-grandmother was, and how much she would have loved her. Of course I will tell her all those things, I’ll tell her the wonderful stories I remember about our time together, and I will paint the most radiant picture of the woman she was, and I will tell her that she was named for her great grandmother’s love of that name.
When I tell people Isabella’s whole name, they think it’s beautiful, it’s a creation of both women who came before me, and it too will perhaps become a time-honored name. Her name is Isabella Contesseia, the middle being my mother’s middle name. There are so many variants of her first name that she has been called and it’s a wonder that she responds to them all. She really has grown to be thus far, the most comical, intelligent, loving little thing, and I am proud of her for that. I’ve taken to tracing my family tree quite far back to italy and the 1700s for my children. So that one day, they can see where they came from, learn who all the people in their family were, learn their stories, get to know them and appreciate their heritage. We are both Irish and Italian, so our tree is diverse, and spreads across more than just one land, and on the bottom, are my children, and then someday, they can add theirs and continue that tree through the years. All we have is the future, not the past, the past has had it’s time, and it’s done, so now we build our future, brick by brick, one pace at a time. Our future is bright, like the beacon my grandmother so was for me.